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School Runnings


Did you hear that? That was the collective sound of millions of parents across the land who sent their kids back to school this week. I’m not sure what emotion resonates with that sound; shock, relief, freedom, pain, regret, horror? Maybe all of the above? Because I sit here with a beer I’ve poured into a mug because all the glasses are sitting in the sink waiting to be washed up. I’ll have another beer in a minute. Then maybe some gin. And the last of the Lindt bunnies that I’ve hidden under the stairs (good quality chocolate is wasted on children…) I look glamorous in Minion (yes, you read that right…) pyjama bottoms. I haven’t washed my hair in three days. And I am midweek binge drinking. That’s what the first week back to school has done to me. Fuck you first week back to school.

I hate the first week back. It’s that sharp jolt to the system to remind you that the holidays are over – you’re not on holiday time anymore. You on school run time now bitch. And so it will be for another thirteen weeks. Hahahaha. I’m not sure why I’m laughing. Maybe that’s just the delirium setting in. Here's a scientifically simplified representation of what my school run entails:

Your pants in that pile...go!  Dig!

But alas, if only it were that simple because it's so much more complex and chaotic than this. Let me rundown the last four mornings for you. They've