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I Heart Half Term

I am truly sorry to anyone I worried last week. It was a low point and I think I was a little tired of putting a brave face on it. Things are slightly more buoyant now (oooh, she’s using boat analogies again…). I went heavy university-style drinking on Saturday (thank you, A&Z!) which helped. I drank cocktails out of a jug, got home, fell out of bed twice and left mascara streaked across the pillowcase. Yay!

Comedy dancing to this song also helped.

And this video of this dog.

And just like that, normal service is resuming. But pray, what else could bring back some of this girl’s usual joie de vivre? Why, it’s half term! Yaaaaay! Half term.

This time last year I was on half term in Holland. We took the kids to Center Parcs. Was it good? Who knows or actually remembers? All I know is that I’ve never swum so much in my bloody life. It wasn’t even proper swimming. It was sitting in chlorinated water, trying to hide my overgrown bikini line, making sure my kids didn’t drown and hoping our little Khaleesi didn’t crap herself in the pool. All I did remember was that at the end of a long day, Ned and I sat down to watch Adam Zoekt Eva. It was like Love Island except all the contestants were stark bollock naked. Wangers and boobs all over the shop. I heart the Dutch, truly.

This half term is proving far less exciting. We have no money, Ned couldn’t get the time off, book’s coming out soon, we’re at loggerheads with planners about an extension to house all these children. And the truth is I totally didn’t see it coming. I thought I’d have a few more weeks to make grand plans but all of a sudden, a mum at the school gate asked me what I was doing next week? Next week? They’re all coming to school, right? Shiiiit. Half term!

And, like sod’s law, the Hound has come back with a homework request that he go back to school and talk about what he’s been up to this week. The one half term where we have nothing on the calendar. So here’s his monologue. I apologise to his LSA who I know reads this and for whom I am spoiling the surprise…

What I did at Half Term

by the Hound (aged 5)

"Half term started with a Bank Holiday weekend where we had hoped to go away but Mummy didn’t get her shit together so we ended up at home. We played outside loads and bugged Mummy and Daddy for ice-creams. We did go to a nice BBQ where I ate four corn-on-the-cobs. I did a poo later, it came out 99% yellow.

The next day Mummy tackled that big mountain of clothes next to the washing machine. Daddy said bad things to the lawnmower. We played Xbox but then Mummy had a guilt trip and told us to get out of the house and play on the street and get some fresh air. We told her we were hungry. She waved her arms in the air. She found a packet of biscuits for us. They had chocolate on them so Daenerys ate hers and rubbed her hands all over the sofa.

The next day it rained. Mummy said, ‘Sod this, we’re staying at home, soft play will be rammed…’ We built dens using all the duvets in the house. Jon Snow didn’t like me using his duvet so he pushed me and I kicked him and if you were stood outside our house, it might have sounded like people were being eaten by wolves. Mummy lost her shit. She got out more biscuits and told us we could watch something on Netflix. Two hours later, Mummy told us to, ‘Play with all this sodding Lego we have or she’s throwing it all away…’ We played with the Lego. Mummy stepped on the Lego. She said all the bad words ever, and told us to put the Lego away. She put on Netflix again.

The Tesco Man came. He said he’s never seen so many crisps and wine in one shop. Mummy blushed and said it’s because we’re having a party. When he left, me and the gang devoured a whole six pack of Frazzles in less than two minutes. Racked with guilt, Mummy made us all eat an apple afterwards.

Mummy sorted socks. It took her three hours and twenty four minutes. She has since

developed a permanent squint and can’t tell the difference between black and navy blue.

It was still grey and rainy and damp underfoot. Mummy thought about taking us out. She thought about driving in circles around crowded car parks that she didn't have change for, having to pack four pairs of wellies and protective raingear and soggy sandwiches. 'Shall we buy the new Star Wars on the Sky Box, eat Party Rings and just huddle under duvets in our onesies instead?' she said. YAAAAAY!

After watching Star Wars, we found our light sabers (they’re not real, obvs) and I fought Arya in an epic battle on Mummy’s bed. Arya stabbed me in the bean bags and I retaliated by smacking her in the face. JJ Abrams would have been proud. We both cried and found Mummy who told us it was both our fault and that she was sick of us fighting. She then made strange Wookiee style noises.

We all woke up at 6.30am the next day. Jon Snow went to wake Mummy up and asked her what she was cooking for dinner tonight. I'm not sure what Mummy said but she didn't have her happy face on. He asked if he could play Call of Duty. Mummy said no and to stop asking her because it will never happen. She said she’d give Jon a fiver if he went downstairs, gave us all a brioche and put on Doc McStuffins. He said a tenner. She said deal.

Later that day, Mummy said, ‘Shall we tidy the house together?’ Everyone left the room.

Mummy got out paint and pens and crafty stuff. She left us unattended for two minutes to have a pee. She came back. She was not sure what happened but the dog was covered in acrylic paint. I’d drawn a gingerbread man with a giant willy. Arya was having a raj because there was no more white paint. Someone had got out the glitter. ‘Why, children, why????’ Mummy sobbed.

‘Who left the stairgate open?’ Mummy screamed. Daenerys had let herself into the kitchen, eaten three packs of raisins and had attempted to pour herself a drink. There was apple juice all over the floor. Or it could have been wee. Mummy was on all fours smelling the laminate. Daenerys had taken off all her clothes and was dancing on the spot. She also had done a great big dump in her nappy. We all screamed and left the room because that smell could kill a grown man.

Mummy considered taking us out for lunch but did bad maths in her head and realised she didn't have the money and it had only been a week since our last Maccy D’s. She needed to start spacing that shit out more so our hair doesn’t fall out and the house doesn't get overrun by Happy Meal toys. So Mummy made hot dogs for lunch and gave me free reign of the ketchup. I like ketchup. I squeezed some directly in my mouth. Daenerys gave hers to the dog. It was still raining and we hadn’t left the house in two days. Mummy's hair looked like a nest where small animals might live. I gave her a hug. ‘This is the best half term ever…’ I said. She gave me a curious look and hugged me back. She opened a pack of Mini Rolls and threw them at us like she was feeding seals."

Mrs W: "That sounds like a great half term, The Hound! Did you bring in some souvenirs of your week?"

The Hound: "I sure did..."

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